I’ve discovered something recently, quite by surprise. I am happy with who I am and where I am in my life. In fact, if you had asked me at the ripe old age of 16 what I pictured myself doing in 20 years, I would have described my life as it is now, with the exception of doing childcare. Although I love what I do, I would much prefer to be able to stay at home with just my own children. Since childcare lets me stay home with them while also contributing to our family financially, that is what I do.
Drama Queen asked me last week if I could be any age besides 36, what age would I want to be. I thought back to my childhood, which was great, but I wouldn’t want to relive it because I was unknowingly suffering from depression. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and always felt responsible for everyone and everything around me.
What about 16? Well, we had just moved across the state, and I was starting a brand-new (to me) high school. A much larger school than I had been attending. My graduating class had as many as my whole junior high (7th, 8th, and 9th) put together.
What about that next big milestone, 21? Not on your life. I got engaged on my 21st birthday and was married 8 months later. I began birth control pills in April and had to stop in August. I could not begin to describe to you the panic attacks they caused. I would throw up every morning, not from nausea from the Pill, but from anxiety. I would go for 3 days without eating until The Hubster would finally beg me to eat. I could usually choke down part of a salad and then would throw it all up again the next morning. The paranoia was terrible! I was scared to get the mail and to check the answering machine. I burst into tears for absolutely no reason. Thank God my aunt recognized the symptoms since she had gone through the same thing. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long. She lived in another state, so August was the first time I had seen her since the wedding in May.
No, there isn’t another age I would rather be. I am perfectly content with the age I am. I know medication for depression and anxiety has played a huge roll in the peace and contentment I have finally been able to experience.
There’s more to my contentment, but you’ll have to wait until tomorrow to hear (dun, dun, dun…) The Rest of the Story (a la Paul Harvey).
