Tuesday, December 05, 2006

How Do I Hate Thee?

Let me count the ways.

Remember when we got our puppy? She was so cute and cuddly--for about 5 minutes. And then she chewed and pottied and pooped ad nauseum. My love quickly turned to frustration. No toy has been safe in the house since her arrival. Neither has the Tivo cord, my shoes, my throw pillows and...

A few weeks ago the guys were gone on their monthly Boy Scout camping trip. I had the whole bed to myself--except for the dogs. I got into bed but immediately remembered something I had left in the bathroom. I got up, walked 5 feet to the bathroom, turned right back around to get in bed and promptly stuck my foot into the big pee spot at the foot of my bed. The next night: same song, second verse. She did the exact same thing. I couldn't go to sleep because I was plotting ways to get rid of the dog without my family knowing it was me.

I have begged, pleaded, threatened, cajoled and whatever else I thought would work to convince my family to get rid of her. No luck. I am sick to death of this dog! My "middle" dog is the one that drove me crazy until we got the puppy. Now the middle one is a walk in the park.

The puppy is now in heat. I spend my days chasing her around with doggy diapers or little girl panties with pads inserted into them. It takes two people approximately 7 minutes to get one on her and a total of 1.3 seconds for her to get it off. I was so sick of waking up to--ahem--dirty sheets, that I drug her carrier in from the snow drifts and put her in it. After listening to her bark all. night. long. she suddenly appeared at our bedroom door. She somehow managed to work her way out of the crate. Back she went, this time with the newly filled dog food container on top to weigh it down. This resulted in more barking and another Houdini escape.

I think this morning took the cake, though. I woke up and, for some reason, ran my hands through my hair before I got up out of bed. Can you imagine how excited (massive sarcasm here) I was to discover gum and the gum wrapper stuck in my hair?! The dog had apparently been up during the night and either found a stray piece of gum or dug a used one out of the trash. In either event, she kindly deposited it on my pillow when she was done.

If you see a black and tan Dachshund running down the street, it's probably mine. She answers to Sassy. I do NOT want her back! There is no reward unless you take her and promise to never return her to my humble abode again.

Posted @ 3:32 PM ~ 7 comments

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